Friday, 27 April 2012

It says a lot about David Tennant's run on Doctor Who . . .

  . . . that the best episodes of his run barely feature him at all.

Turn Left and Blink, in case you need to ask . . .

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Things like this . . . .

. . . really shouldn't bother me.

But they do.

To whit:  The job I'm doing at the moment is in a very large office.  Most people there are okay and one guy in particular was very friendly when I first started.  I got on with him really well. We had a laugh, etc.

Then he 'found out' that I was gay, not that I'd ever kept it secret, after all, I had mentioned 'My Partner, Andy' several times.  He'd simply not put two and two together.

Now, according to him, I obviously fancy him which is why I was 'constantly sniffing around'. . . and he's being a big an arsehole as it's possible for one man to be.  How depressing.

The really annoying thing is the job I'm currently doing - which is okay - has just turned up on the job website as a full time position, which, I've been told, I could easily get.  But do I want to spend the rest of my working life dodging a bigot?

I thought this sort of attitude dies out in the 80's.

We didn't even have the comedy confused tolerant bigot conversation of yore:

"I'm Gay"
"Well as long as you don't try anything on with me"
"It okay, I don't fancy you"
"Why not? What's wrong with me?"


Sunday, 22 April 2012

Diagnosis: Body Horror

When ever I've lost weight  before - and I've now lost 25lbs since Xmas - my psyche conspires against me to give me horrific 'body horror' nightmares. In one instance, I found a small hole in my arm where my bicep is. I prodded it with my finger and found I could get my whole finger in it and eventually, my whole fist, at which point, the hole widened, sprouted teeth and bit my hand off. It was like something from John Carpenters "The Thing". Several weeks of body horror dreams, and I stop going to the gym...the dreams stop, the weight goes back on.

Once, in real life, after a couple of weeks of gym work, I found a lump in my arm. I was convinced it was a cyst and terrified it might be cancer. I went to the doctor pointed out my fears, got him to prod the lump and was diagnosed as 'having a muscle'.

Oh the shame . . . .

Monday, 9 April 2012

Game of Thrones.

I'm finding Game of Thrones frustrating.  

I was deeply surprised by the books - well, the two I've sad - and get annoyed with the relegation of the Dothraki to fairly mindless savages; the Khaleesi having the most fascinating character development within the first book. Her relationship with Khal Drogo and her education of the ways of the Dothraki being the highpoint of the book for me.

As for kit shedding, well, it's all a bit 'Torchwood' isn't it? Making an 'adult' TV series should really mean that it's uncompromising, take some though and not afraid to shy away from difficult decisions rather than chucking in shagging for the sake of it.  I mean, noone seems to be able to hold a conversation without either taking someone else from behind, orchestrating lesbian sex or getting blown by whores....   I mean, way to play up to the fantasy geek living in his mums basement...

And besides, from my perspective, there's only two so far that would suit nudity.  One died within 5 mins of episode one starting and the second resolutely stays within a bulky cloak.

Sean Bean ruins the character of Ned Stark.  Where the books have him as a man strangled by nobility and chivalry, intelligent but hamstrung by being able to empathise with everyone's point, Bean turns him into a baffled idiot.

Conversely, Cersei is a revelation.  THe character in the book was a bit of a cypher, but here you get a real sense of the hurt she's been through and a real sense of revenge all done with a subtle and powerful performance. Marvellous.

Other than that I'm really enjoying it.

And The Imp pretty much owns every scene he's in...especially the 'confession' scene.  Marvellous.

Haven't seen season 2 yet, I've still 2 episodes of season 1 to watch and I'm waiting for the blu-rays, anyway :-)

Sunday, 8 April 2012


Yes, we have a Satnav.

it's okay actually; helped us out on a number of occasions...

Except today, but i think that's more to do with English Heritage who never seem to sign post their properties and seem to want to hide them from potential punters.   The point being that the postcode took us to a place about a mile away from the actual site we wanted to go to.. and from there we managed to circumnavigate the building but were unable to find an actual entrance.

Anyway... what baffled us was the tag line on the Navman Satnav that we have: "Beyond navigation".

The place we attempted to go was certainly beyond navigation, but in general, that tagline suggests it'll never get you to where you want to go.   I think the might have slipped up a bit, there . . .

Friday, 6 April 2012

Shoes: A bit of embarrassment . . .

I bought some new shoes the other day, as I mentioned before.

What I didn't mention was that they were lace ups.

Big whoop, right?

Well...yes, actually :-)

For the last 15 years, I've worn slip-ons as I couldn't bend over my stomach to tie up laces.  You've no idea how embarrassed I was about that.

I can actually bend down and get round what's left of my stomach to tie up shoe laces.

Wow. :-)

There's a kind of feedback loop going on.  The more I have these little triumphs, the more I start to feel better about myself.  The better I feel about myself, the more I want to lose more weight and back to a manageable size.  The more I want it, the I have little triumphs.  

Isn't this grand? :-)

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Body Fascists

'm getting fed up of being told that my body size, whatever it is, is, depending on who's speaking to me, too large or too small.

It's difficult enough being bombarded everyday with news programmes portraying overweight people as freaks and something to be pitied or ridiculed or pointed-at-and-laughed-at with having large people telling me that I'm 'letting the side down' by losing weight.

Yeah, you heard that right.

Two larger people that I'm good friends had a go at me yesterday for losing weight as I was 'succumbing to the norm' by getting on the 'dieting treadmill'. Somehow I was opting into some sort of 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' pod people sort of affair and working my way towards some sort of superior being status . . .

Now I do believe that weight is a personal issue. Body image, body size and how you perceive yourself is prime to weight loss or weight gain, yes?

And you know what? I've hated my body for the last 15 years. *I* have. I have suffered appalling bouts of self-loathing purely because I feel fat; because I *am* fat.

I've convinced myself it's okay for me to be overweight, and it is.


I am not happy with my body. I've been in a downward spiral of self-loathing and comfort eating for 15 years and I've had enough.

I haven't buckled because of thin-ist propaganda, nor have I had enough of the camaraderie of the plump. I'm just not happy being this weight; I"m fed up of huffing and puffing up the hill to work; I'm fed up of the weight that I am causing painful knees, back and hips.

Now my friends are happy being large. Good for them. I'm not. 
That should be "good for me" from them.
Funny that it isn't.
I;m not doing this to make them feel bad; I"m not doing it to make myself feel superior to them. I'm doing it because I don't want to be like this anymore.

Then of course, this afternoon, after going to see a movie with my partner (Wrath of the Titans. Okay but not earth shattering) I'm harangued by a dick head in tee-shirt and shorts who loudly proclaims "Oi Fatty, you look like you could lose some weight, why not join our gym?" and gives me a leaflet. I give it back to him and he just abuses me with taunts along the lines of "You'll never look good if you don't do some exercise". I respond by shouting 'at least I can still lose weight, but as far as I'm aware personality transplants are a long way off". At which point, he launches towards me with what looks to be utter hate. as he reaches out to grab me, my lovely partner, who is a kung fu instructor, grabs his are and throws him to the floor.

The Security Guards have watched all of this, move me and Andy to one side, grab the idiot and remove him from the shopping centre.

The security people contact the gym, which is built in to the centre, and a representative comes to talk to us in the security suite. After watching the cctv and listening to the security people, the representative use shakes her head and says "he's gone".

She offers me a free year's gym membership. Unfortunately, we weren't in our own town and so getting to the gym would be a total pain in the bum. 

So, this weekend I've been harangued for losing weight and harangued and attacked for being fat.

Walking between two worlds, both idiotic, has been tiring.

But the good thing is, despite all the weirdness, *MY* opinion hasn't changed at all.
*I'm* still not happy with the way I look, so *I* am doing something about it in the way *I* see fit. I'm not bowing to peer pressure, I'm being me and my god for the first time in 15 years, I'm *ENJOYING* being me!

And I'm looking forward to seeing much less of me in future ;-)